Dear snailies and sluggies, who have never caused any harm to anyone except by distracting someone by being cute when they're trying to do something else, YOU ARE IN GRAVE PERIL! I was at my local Home/Casa Depot/Depota, which apparently happens to be in Mexico because I didn't see any Americans there, and I was shocked by the barbarous product on its shelf: So if you are a snaily or a sluggie and you are reading this, or if you or your loved ones know and love (obviously) any sluggies or snailies, then please spread the word. America and Mexico are no longer safe for them. They/You are welcome to stay with me here, but I think the saltwater of the ocean would cause them severe shrinkage.
Wanna go hang out and loiter on the Venice Beach Public Library property with me? See you there at 9! Check this out:
Unfortunately, these are still tough times here in LA for skaters, so leave the skateboard behind: You can only get to THIS library via shopping cart or in your held-together-by-duct-tape-shoes.
I have to say, as I check out my new digs - as far West as I can go from America and still be there - I am fascinated by the neighborhood library. While it's still totally okay to go to the library to sit in the Children's Section and look creepy and mustachioed, and it's totally fine to be a non-teenager and sit in the "Teen Corner" and be so high on the drugs that you can't even get the free candy up to your mouth without dropping your head, it's NOT okay to hang out and be weird when the library is actually closed.
And while you're inside the Venice Beach library, don't forget to check out their free laptops so you can watch movies on them all day in between your loitering sessions. Don't worry! They have in-your-ear-cavity-headphones you can borrow.
When you type in the little google search box, you know how it has suggestions for the rest of your word? As in, you type the letters "fuc..." and you get "fuchosin" as a suggestion? Well I just typed in the first 13 letters of my first then last name, and GOOGLE FILLED IN THE REST!!! I feel so famous right now.
Okay well who knows if the people with their lenses on me were, you know, national media or not. But the fact remains that as I was turning up the collar on my favorite t-shirt, I had a fresh ice cream stain on it. I was a dance-dance-dance-dance-dancing machine, (watchem get down watchem get down), but I was also ill-prepared for the event (i.e. no white glove, no sporty hat) because I had left home with the intention of reading at a local coffee shop, not dance-dance-dancing at the hospital three blocks from my apartment where MJ's corpse awaits autopsy. The media was there. People were vying for interviews, throwing their MJ-dressed kids in front of reporters (see above photo of child dancing for BET), and so on. But there was an initially small group of people collected around a boombox (for those of my fans born after 1990, that's like an ipod but bigger) showing off their moves. I did my Thriller rising-from-the dead shake, my moonwalk (that's right!), and some spins and joined the middle of the circle of people who knew all the lyrics to the best albums ever produced. I felt like I was with my people! They didn't seem to care that I was in pajama pants when I perfectly executed the three-syllable "Lone-ell-ley"of "The Way You Make-a Me Fee-heel."
In the future, though, I will recognize that every time I walk out of my apartment, there's a real possibility that I'm about to be on national news, showing off my skills and moves. So lesson learned. No more ice cream before my next national appearance. Which could be any time. So no more ice cream. Ever.
ADDENDUM: I would like to add here that I just went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I HAVE A FLECK OF COOKIES AND CREAM ICE CREAM ON MY FACE! A LITTLE OREO CRUMB ABOVE MY MOUTH! Oh how could this have happened???!!! Even Lindsey Lohan manages to avoid ice cream stains on her face!
Where were you when JFK got shot? (In a past life.) What were you doing when the towers fell? (Sleeping with my phone turned off.) And how did you find out about MJ's death? (Cellphone call from mother.)
I just have to take a minute to post about my childhood hero, my favorite musician and dancer ever, and fellow Midwestern-American, Michael Jackson. I woke up this morning thinking it would be a good day: I heard the news that Shaq signed with the Cavs! But then I was shopping at Tar-ghjay for cheap things made by children in sweatshops and got a call from my mother.
Well, my final paper for the school year has been turned in and I can get back to the more important things in life. Finally. Last night, after enjoying the Real Housewives of New Jersey pregnant-reunion special, I watched the new show NYC Prep. As a Gossip Girl fan, I am truly disappointed to learn that actual kids from the Upper East Side are, in reality, inarticulate and lacking in ironic self-awareness. How could GG have so decieved us? Here is a list of differences between the two shows:
1) NYC Prep kids all have better cell phones than the kids on Gossip Girl. The NYCP kids use Blackberries, exclusively, and never "text" each other. Instead, they "BBM" one another. I have never heard of the verb to "BBM" before, but it turns out that it doesn't stand for "Big Bowel Movement." It's a Blackberry-internal messaging system. The kids on GG barely have iPhones, let alone Blackberries. It's like everything about GG, technologically speaking, is about 2 years out of date. Get with the program, GG!
2) NYCP kids don't have parents. In GG, we all got to know Chuck's executive dad, Serena's mom, and Dan & Jenny's 90s rockstar dad "Rufus," but these parents are actually central to the plotlines. NYCP parents have occasional cameos: one girl's parents pop in once in a while from the Hamptons to ground her, Camille's mother asks her what community service project she wants to do in order to get into Harvard before Camille shuts her down by saying she's stressed out, and the girl who goes to an actual public school and lives on the Upper GASP! WEST Side has a DIVORCED mom who merely pipes up to ask if her daughter could possibly maybe put her Blackberry down once in a while but stops asking when she hears that her daughter is BBMing with Sebastian, the wavy-haired French-speaking Chuck wannabe.
3) GG kids are very intelligent. Maybe that's because their lines are written by extremely literate geniuses and the NYCP kids have to come up with lines on their own (like, "Sometimes I wear things that are like less than twenty-bucks" and "Which Hampton do you have a house in?" with no irony).
4) NYCP kids look younger. That's cause they are actually 16 and 17, unlike the kids in GG who are my peers.
Just wanted to let you know that the La Perla window-model about whom I wrote last week has changed clothes (though not positions). Someone throw her a donut!
So if you are a snaily or a sluggie and you are reading this, or if you or your loved ones know and love (obviously) any sluggies or snailies, then please spread the word. America and Mexico are no longer safe for them. They/You are welcome to stay with me here, but I think the saltwater of the ocean would cause them severe shrinkage.
