Dispatches from Kansas...

Ahh Kansas... Though it looks like we aren't there anymore, I like to remember it as a place where Gene Kelley helped defend our monkey-heritage. Well, folks, Kansas is at it again: it's the new battleground of American values. And that's as it should be.

Sometimes news stories come along that alert us to the presence of grammatically-challenged fellow citizens who make us just so proud to be American all over again! Especially groups like the Army of God - an organization that apparently has close ties to the abortion-doctor-killer Scott Roeder. On their site, they call abortion-doctor-killers "American Heros." I particularly like the part of their page - the "Scott Roeder American Hero Index Page." - where they list his accomplishments, including a link to the following masterpiece he drew in which two people stand over the slain abortion doctor's grave and one-the looming not-creepy-at-all man-vows to "protect precious babies." I like his attention to detail here. The shading on the bottom of the tree, the man's combover, the woman's ankle-bones...

The "Army of God" website also offers us a link to an email address (glory2jesus@armyofgod.com - damn! I wanted that one!) where you can send letters to Roeder that they will then print out and show him! Wow! Fan mail!

If you want to read more about the court case, I suggest googling it or clicking here. It seems like the judge might be on the army's side! In any case, all I would do would be to refer them to the following image below. It's an actual photograph of Moses with the Commandment tablets:

Fortunately, none of these self-appointed God-soldiers, and no one involved with this Roeder fellow actually read Greek or whatever garbledy gook is on those tablets. Good thing! Or they just might have to change their arguments a bit!

2010: Another great decade begins for America!

If you want to start your new year right, ditch the ol' Resolution list and head straight to the theaters to see Avatar. Immediately. (If you haven't already.)

Here are 5 reasons why you, as an American, will be proud of this film:

1. It was made by an American. A GREAT American. One who realizes the important role Americans play in world-domination. (See minute 2:56).
2. Americans discover yet another land! That's right! It's a planet this time, and it gets named "Pandora." It's filled with long-haired, less-clad natives with agile bodies and different-colored skins (see movie still below). They conveniently already speak English in funny accents, just like real non-Americans do! They speak in secret code (aka non-English) when they don't want the Americans to understand. (Apparently they haven't heard about sub-titles yet!)


3. An AMERICAN marine - well, half a marine really, that is until he can fulfill his mission and get his legs back from the sarge' like promised - is sent into the bush to find out inside information so that the Americans can better exploit native resources. He is given an "Avatar" via MRI-coffin machine. His avatar has legs and therefore is able to actually do things (unlike the Marine himself apparently).
4. Said AMERICAN's covert intel was so good that it means the natives and their ancestral homes will definitely be terminated! Because their natural resources are worth genocide!
5. So THUS, the AMERICAN is the natives' LAST HOPE!!! You might call it ironic, I call it "perfect." Only the American can repair the damage he himself caused! Just like in real life! And then he can congratulate himself on a job well-ish done!


LOVE IT ALREADY? ME TOO! I hope it wins every Oscar, just like Titanic did. Cause we all remember how great THAT movie was, right?

I am so proud.

Obama received the Nobel Imperialist Prize recently, much to the surprise of the hippie, commie, Muslim, bleeding heart, unwed-mothers who elected him.

I, on the other hand, am so proud that I could almost go buy a new Amer'can flag today, but I've bought them all. Venice, unfortunately, has only a limited supply and likes to reserve them for the homeless vets who like to decorate their wheelchairs with them.

Here's why: Obama accepted his Imperialist Prize on behalf of us, after all. And by "us," I mean those of us proud Americans who believe that our nebulous belief in "liberty" and "freedom" should stand in for ALL BELIEF SYSTEMS around the world. Some call it "American;" I and Obama consider them to be default. As he stated in his acceptance speech: "I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, rather as an affirmation of American leadership on behalf of aspirations held by people in all nations." That is right. American leadership represents the "aspirations" of people in ALL NATIONS. EVERYONE is secretly Amer'can. I knew it all along.

Obama, like any good conservative ahistorically-minded oppressor, also gives a shoutout to the Founding Slaveowners, stating that his prize "reflects the kind of world that those men and women and all Americans want to build, a world that gives life to the [white-man only] promise of our founding documents." In other words, again, Amer'cans are building the world. And the world hasn't been built yet. And this future world, constructed by Amer'cans, is based on the founding documents - cause they were so good. (And hopefully we bring back the 3/5 clause too.)

King (may I?) Obama also informed us that many Amer'can soldiers (see yesterday's post) sacrifice their own "safety and freedom and ... lives" so that others can benefit from our ruling powers. Obama concluded by saying:
That has always been the cause of America. That's why the world has always looked to America. And that's why I believe America will continue to lead.

I am so proud. I am an American who believes in safety and freedom, no matter how unsafe that makes others and regardless of whether or not "freedom" ever gets defined!

Good job God.

I'd like to honor the Veterans of our country today by interspersing pictures of them with President W. Bush's Veteran's Day speech from 2004.

What veterans have given our country is beyond our power to fully repay,
yet, today we recognize our debt to their honor.
And on this national holiday, our hearts are filled with respect and gratitude
for the veterans of the United States of America. (Applause.) May God bless our veterans
and their families, and may God continue to bless our great nation. Thank you. (Applause.)"

GOOD JOB GOD!!!

APB to all sluggies and snailies!

Dear snailies and sluggies, who have never caused any harm to anyone except by distracting someone by being cute when they're trying to do something else,

YOU ARE IN GRAVE PERIL!
I was at my local Home/Casa Depot/Depota, which apparently happens to be in Mexico because I didn't see any Americans there, and I was shocked by the barbarous product on its shelf:
So if you are a snaily or a sluggie and you are reading this, or if you or your loved ones know and love (obviously) any sluggies or snailies, then please spread the word. America and Mexico are no longer safe for them. They/You are welcome to stay with me here, but I think the saltwater of the ocean would cause them severe shrinkage.

Hey what are you doin' at 9 tomorrow morning?

Wanna go hang out and loiter on the Venice Beach Public Library property with me? See you there at 9! Check this out:


Unfortunately, these are still tough times here in LA for skaters, so leave the skateboard behind:
You can only get to THIS library via shopping cart or in your held-together-by-duct-tape-shoes.

I have to say, as I check out my new digs - as far West as I can go from America and still be there - I am fascinated by the neighborhood library. While it's still totally okay to go to the library to sit in the Children's Section and look creepy and mustachioed, and it's totally fine to be a non-teenager and sit in the "Teen Corner" and be so high on the drugs that you can't even get the free candy up to your mouth without dropping your head, it's NOT okay to hang out and be weird when the library is actually closed.

And while you're inside the Venice Beach library, don't forget to check out their free laptops so you can watch movies on them all day in between your loitering sessions. Don't worry! They have in-your-ear-cavity-headphones you can borrow.

Meanwhile: click here for some related government news, courtesy of everyone's favorite Austrian-American. GOD BLESS AMERICA!

OMG Google Me!!!

When you type in the little google search box, you know how it has suggestions for the rest of your word? As in, you type the letters "fuc..." and you get "fuchosin" as a suggestion? Well I just typed in the first 13 letters of my first then last name, and GOOGLE FILLED IN THE REST!!! I feel so famous right now.