Monday, 29 December 2008

Alex encounters very dangerous local animals.

Because Hawaii is so far away from the United States, it has lots of birds and trees and skin colors and fish that you wouldn't recognize. Well, one of these crazy species has really put itself on the "It Should Be Endangered"-List. I can't quite identify it, but please see what you think:
I was at the hotel with my family one morning, minding my own business with a Mai Tai, and I saw this bird. Thinking it too would like a piece of my waffle-fry, I went over to the edge of the pool and handed it to him. He courteously accepted the piece from my hand.

Pleased with my interaction with local Hawaiian fauna, I sat down to admire him some more. He thought, apparently, that I owed him more waffle fries! He pecked at my arm a few times and then took a shot at my butt!

Although I shouldn't complain--this was all the action I got while in Hawaii--I really do think that this weird, exotic local species should never relocate to the United States of America if he knows what's good for him.

Sunday, 28 December 2008

Attention Obama: Hawaii is the gayest state ever.

I bet Obama is getting a pretty strong message while he spends time with his family here in Hawaii, the gayest state in the universe.
It must be pretty embarrassing for Obama, if his experience here is anything like mine, when he opens his door or his curtains and sees a rainbow. I personally saw sixteen yesterday during my time driving around the island.

But at least when I see a rainbow, I am not forced to think, "Gee, gay people must be really upset at me right now, even though they mostly voted for me." I just think, "Gay people".

Even all the cars on the road are tsk-tsking Obama as he drives to the golf course or nearest gym for his 30 minutes of cardio or weights. They are saying to him, "Gee, gay people must not be pleased with my selection of Rick Warren as the Bible-thumper for my inauguration." When I see Hawaiian license plates, I just think, "Aloha, gay people!"

Friday, 26 December 2008

COMPLAINT: Extreme adventure sports discrimminate against the visually impaired.

Yesterday I was subjected to activities that I normally avoid: extreme activities. Well maybe you don't consider "ATV-ing" and "jumping down waterfalls" and "going into caves" to be extreme, but if you add on "wearing glasses while..." to the beginning of those activities, then you will see that they are very extreme.

When I was 8, I was prescribed my first pair of glasses. I chose a pair that were large, plastic, and faded from blue to pink. I liked them because they had both blue AND pink in them!
Now I'm in Hawaii and in order to keep up with the crowd, I'm being forced to participate in activities that jeopardize my health, my dignity (what if my swimsuit comes off?), and my vision. I had to slide down a waterfall in order to get down from a perch that I had climbed up to. There was no other way out of it unless I wanted to fall down an extremely steep hill covered in lava rocks and slippery moss in my bare feet.

The dilemma was: do I hold my glasses in my hand as I slide down? Or do I wear them and try to keep my head out of the water when I get to the pooled-water below? Before I could make up my mind, my body lunged forward and the decision was made for me. Fortunately, I managed to keep my glasses on my face, but I didn't enjoy one minute of the waterfall jump because I spent the whole time holding my glasses and thinking about a life with no vision.

What are some good activities in tropical islands for people like me? I'll tell you: reading books in preparation for your upcoming semester with two 19th century-novel classes, taking showers with your glasses carefully stowed on the sink in a case nearby, watching movies in your hotel room, and typing a blog.

Americans with foot fungus shouldn't wear sandals.

Which is better...

This?Or THIS:

It's a really gross topic that no one really wants to talk about, but I want to get it out there so none of you fine readers ever can be accused of the following crime:

Wearing sandals when you have incredibly gross foot fungus.

Now I know I've probably complained in the past about the prevalent socks-with-sandals, popular with my 9th grade English teacher, all of the residents of Seattle, and Japanese geisha. I used to think this was heinous (except with the geisha) and would rail against it obsessively. But ever since I landed with my family in Hawaii, I have had a full change of heart.
PUT THOSE GODDAMN SOCKS BACK ON PEOPLE! If you have any question as to whether or not your toe is gross, and you are staying in a hotel with other people in it, please oh please wear your socks. Invest in some tea-tree oil, apply, and wait it out.

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Alex doesn't get modern art.

I am a very cultured person--I read books, I watch HBO, I voted for Obama, I like Tina Fey. So I am back in cold, wet, slushy NYC for a much needed vacation from Los Angeles (the sun, the beaches, hobnobbing with celebs) and decided to join my fellow cultural elite at the Museum of Modern Art.

Imagine my surprise and excitement when I stumbled on my new vocation: I should be a modern-art artist. Modern-art artists can do whatever they want and they get paid for it and are famous.

Example 1:
The long, orange stick. It's about an inch wide and six feet long. No, you pervert! It's a painting! It's from 1950. There must have been a canvas and paint shortage in 1950 I guess for this to count as a piece worthy of MOMA, but no matter. It's there! And I could have done it! When I was 4 years old!

Example 2: The plain white canvas. This one is a square and it must have taken the artist a while to decide whether it should be plain white or a little off-white I guess. Anyway, maybe he didn't even paint the canvas! Fuck painting if you can just sell the museum the blank canvas!

Example 3: The bricks on the floor. I learned that if you don't actually paint, and if you don't know how to sculpt, no matter! You can still be an artist. You just make what they call "installations." In this case, the artist piled some bricks on the floor. I guess the difficulty there is finding someone strong enough to carry bricks and low-class enough to know where to find them. I am not sure I could do either, so I give this artist props.

Example 4: The pink think leaning on the wall. This artist painted something a shiny pink color and didn't even bother to hang it. Who cares.Example 5: The stretched out old t-shirt. I love this one. You just get your brother's sweaty old t-shirt, cut it apart, and thumbtack it on the wall of MOMA. VoilĂ ! Art! I could do this a million times. My brother has TONS of sweaty, old t-shirts.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Just be sure to rinse it out!

It has gotten to be that point in my life where when I'm scanning (an online social network which everyone but Jill is on), most everyone I smoked weed with freshman year of college or didn't talk to in elementary through high school but am friends with now on Facebook has a baby or two. And they put their child's face up as their face and their status messages are updates on their babies' burps and vomits and health problems.

Given the fact that this is my current friend demographic, I just wanted everyone on the internets to know that on the Upper East Side, the following is available:I particularly like that they printed it on PINK paper. That makes sense, right?

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Be my 1000th VIEWER...

...and you'll win a prize!
But you better be quick - I'll probably be my own 1000th viewer.
If you think you are my 1000th viewer, simply post it as a comment. I will get back to you!

Graveyard mysteries...

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Friday, 21 November 2008

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

WARNING: NOT A POST TO SHARE WITH ALL YOUR KIDS! (Only the ones you look at porn with.)

One of the largest industries out here in LA is the porn industry. I have verified this in the flesh!

This afternoon I went no further than my OWN campus to discover the lecherous under-belly of sexploitation. Who knew that public education could sink so low!?!?!?!What's she doing with that left hand there?
Hey! What's under there?
Hmmm, shaved. Must not be European!
What do you think? Real or fake???!!!
Hey! Watch where you point that thing!
I've seen smaller.
This one never gets speaking parts.
Children should NOT be brought into this!
For those of you who like something to hold on to!

Friday, 14 November 2008

There's nothing inappropriate about this photo...

New York, London, Paris, Westwood... The "Great Four" of store-window displays. Famous in all the circles who care about such things. We UCLA students are lucky to go to school in such a rich cultural environment. When we're ready to put down the books and push our glasses up our noses to go out in the evening, we like to spend some time taking in the cultural richness that surrounds us.

Don't jealous! Yes - it is just like living in Paris here...

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

I am my own 400th viewer!!!

You probably all have noticed that I have a "Hits" counter down on the right of my blog. It took me a year to figure out, and it involved copying "CODE" into some setting thingy.

Anyway, I check the hits counter ALL the time. Every time I check my page, there is at least ONE new viewer! Can you believe it???

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Los Angeles night life? Count me in!

I write with great news: I went out on a Friday night. I saw celebrities*, prostitutes, and a bar fight!

I know you may be wondering, "but AlextheAmerican, you had TONS of work to do. Don't you have a presentation to give next week on a book you haven't even read? Don't you need to go to the P section of the library?"

Well late-1630s British intellectual history be damned! Dewey Decimal system memorization be damned!

At the first stop, (by the way, arriving at a bar early, before your friends and all the other people do, assures that you get in fast and that you are DEFINITELY the coolest person who already has tasted the whole specialty drink menu of the evening) I was sitting with a group of people from my department in a corner booth. I was the lucky person who sat with my back to the room while everyone else faced towards me.

So apparently while I was sitting there, one of my friends saw a CELEBRITY*. She was cool enough to ask him to pose in a picture with her. Here's the picture:Well the bar was really dark and no one has flashes on their cell-phone cameras. You see, I didn't know this happened until the next day, and then I found out that the celebrity* had been standing right behind me! (And also this isn't the actual picture, but according to my friends it looked something like this.)

Then we went to drop a from-out-of-town-friend-from-college off at her hotel where we decided to stay and check-out/enhance the scene. WOW! It was like the Hills to the skankth power! It was like Lauren Conrad took all her black dresses, ran over them in an Escalade, barfed on them after eating asphalt, and then these girls at the hotel put them on and wore them out Friday night.

As we waited on the burgers we ordered, I swear I saw this celebrity:Actually, I only THINK I saw this guy. No one I was with would actually agree with me that it was him. Also, I did not see his pubic hair! (Until I found this photo. And until then, not since Queer as Folk ended and I finished watching it all on demand in that year I pissed away after college.)

On the way home, I saw prostitutes. It was like, for guys that are into really tall women with even taller heels, very defined cheek-bones, Adam's apples, and extremely bright, short, tight, boobilicious clothing, Hollywood is the PLACE to be! I saw tons of them. All standing in a group. They must have thought that my designated-driver friend and I might be celebrities because they were all looking intently into our windows as we drove by. Like, "hey! who are YOU guys?" Don't you HATE when that happens? Yeah, me too!

I've never seen such tall, glamoUrous women before!!! I only think they might have been "ladies of the night" because of their fishnet stockings and sexy shoes. But that might JUST be judging them based on appearances. And I'm REALLY against doing that! So maybe they were just hot, tall, well-defined-jawlined-chicks!

*First celebrity that I (didn't actually) see in LA: the guy who plays the large-boned man on the Office. The white large-boned man, not the black one.

Monday, 3 November 2008

WAIT A MINUTE... I thought my vote for president counted.

Two numbers:

Which one is higher? I personally am bad at math, but if you look at the third digit in each number, you can see that the 9 is bigger than the 4. So the SECOND number is bigger, right?


Okay so to break the big news to you, the first number is the number of votes George W. Bush got in 2000. The second number is the number of votes that Al Gore got in 2000.


In the first presidential election I ever voted in, I cast a ballot for Al Gore. So did 50,999, 896 other Americans. That is over .5 million more than wanted Bush.

I don't get it.

I am one of 36,457,549 residents of California. We're 12% of the population (rounded to the nearest whole integer).
There are 515,004 residents of Wyoming. They're 0% of the population (rounded to the nearest whole integer).

So according to this "electoral college system", California has a 10% say in who becomes president. Wyoming has a .6% say in who becomes president. So basically a Wyoming person is more important than a California person.

Could someone explain this to me?

Saturday, 1 November 2008

You asked for it.....MORE ALEX EXAMINING OF THE ISSUES: Proposition 4 in California

Talk about CRUEL: the people who are advocating Proposition 4 in California convinced this POOR GUY to talk on camera about his harmless night of fertile sex with a few teenage girls and the subsequent abortions (paid for by the commies that are Californian taxpayers!) that they had of his babies without even telling their moms or teachers or priests! They didn't even make him shave off his little mustache before filming! Didn't they know that that would make him look like a molester? Gosh!

My favorite line is, "Okay. So I get a couple of them pregnant. What is the big deal? I can just take her to get an abortion."

Since all of my friends from college are now in, or applying to be in, law school, I'm going to get one of them to represent this poor guy in a law suit. He was unfairly duped.

I know I often present you, my readers, with amazing things that defy your conceptions about this world. Moving to California was totally worth it, if only because I am able to watch this commercial on my television (and also wear t-shirts and shorts well into November).

Monday, 27 October 2008


As a new resident of California, I'm amazed at how much power the state gives me to decide on issues. Me and all its other residents - Paris, Lindsey, Ellen, Gary Busey... We're deciding! What a system!

In California, apparently children are taught about health and sexuality in the schools! And apparently, they are going to be taught that sometimes there are gay people!

Okay, since the election is approaching, and since I'm coming out of the closet as a Fox News watcher, AlextheAmerican if finally going to provide you with some political endorsements.

The first is that I endorse WATCHING THIS VIDEO:

What would happen if you are adopted into a family with TWO DADS? Or TWO MOMS? Isn't it inherently better to be adopted by a family with a traditional arrangement? Like this one:
Or this one:
And what if Gay Adoption prevents you from being adopted into THIS traditional family?:

Friday, 10 October 2008

You're probably wondering what life in LA is really like, right?

Well I've finally found a way to show my fans and readers (not that the two aren't the same!) what life in Los Angeles really is like. Watch this (but first turn your volume WAY up)!

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

OMG! There was a cloud this weekend.

That’s right. There was a cloud over Los Angeles. I even needed to use my windshield wipers for a couple of minutes.

Saturday, 4 October 2008

Where is Whitey?

I have been living here in California for a total of two weeks now. I have eaten tacos, Animal Burgers, sushi, and fuck noodles.But I have yet to see a single white person. Even the governor is not American. And the mayor is gay-ish (see photo - he's the non-white one on the right).

There are things I only can do with white people: like… um… talk about Seinfeld episodes and go to Bat Mitzvahs.

I can’t understand the street signs and I can’t join any of the college clubs (unless Undergraduate Korean Campus Christians for Christ is accepting non-Korean and/or non-Christian, non-undergraduate members!).

Monday, 15 September 2008

They still exist!

Can you believe it? There are still Indians* in this country. I had no idea! Here’s one:
*Word used to describe all light-brown people, basically!

Sunday, 14 September 2008

I always wondered about that!

Where does everyone go to get their adults? Apparently in Illinois! I always wondered about that.

Once again, American signage nearly convinces me!

The people of rural Indiana and Illinois, just like those of Boulder, Colorado, believe that just by posting nifty signs in public places, they will get the legions to convert to their beliefs. And you know what? They are nearly right!

Right when I entered Indiana, I saw this sign:

Right when I entered Illinois, I saw this one:
No, silly! Indiana is a TOTALLY different place than Illinois. For one thing, Indiana apparently updates its apocalyptic signs more frequently. Renewing your apocalypse signs helps to ensure that you, the sign poster, will probably spend eternity somewhere better.

If you don't rubberneck, you might miss salvation!

I decided to go abroad for graduate school in a faraway place called California – a Mexiclishophone Austrian colony – and am getting there via automobile. I love cross-country trips mostly because I have an excuse to eat peppered beef jerky three times a day. But I am also pleased to see that the American tendency to announce personal beliefs is consistent throughout both blue AND red states!Did you know, for example, that “Jesus is real”? According to the Indianan sign I saw, it’s true. Do they mean “Jesus” the famous-Jesus? The one that God begat with Mary non-sexually? (Could someone please explain that to me, btw?) If so, wasn’t he killed? So wouldn’t they mean “Jesus WAS real?” Ergo, it can’t be that Jesus.

I have to conclude that this present-tense “Jesus” must be really pronounced “Hey-zues” and refers to a Latino area-man. Or else some sort of weather condition coming up from Latin America that no one wants to believe in. Or some local Bigfoot-legend they want people to take seriously.


Well, at least they spell it out for you!

This is the first post in a series documenting Alex’s trip across the country…

Friday, 29 August 2008

Preparing to live in L.A.

So today I visited a Los Angeles orientation centRE I found in New York City. I heard that L.A. residents/friends like Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes (whom I sometimes still call Joey!) and John Travolta were members. In fact, they recommend the Scientology CentRE to all their friends as a prerequisite for attending their pool parties.

So at the L.A. orientation centRE, I learned about Dianetics, Elrond Hubbard, and how to hire a wife to make you look heterosexual to the media. I also learned about the best breast implant doctors, where to go to get my Posh-Spice haircuts, how to wear sunglasses indoors without worrying about not seeing anything, and where to shop for my tiny dog-collection.

(FYI: This is a real photo I took. This place is on the Upper East Side, near the Metropolitan Museum of Art!)

Sunday, 24 August 2008

Upstate NY: It has solved the energy crisis!

As a proud resident of the state of New York, I am always surprised that my neighboUring state, Upstate New York, has anything to offer besides reduced-price camo-coloUred rifles and Walmarts.

Lo and behold, folks, Alextheamerican has gotten its big break, though! We are pleased to be the first to announce that someone in Upstate New York (with the help of God) has solved the energy crisis. Not only is there a new energy source that will make it so that we no longer need to rely on oil, but in discovering this source, we no longer need to rely on being friendly to non-white people to fuel our large cars!

Can you believe it?

I’d like further details about harnessing this energy, of course. Do you burn sons? With fire? Chemicals? Or do you just put them on a treadmill or energy wheel, hamster style? We’ll find out, of course. These details usually just take care of themselves.

Saturday, 23 August 2008

Art galleries up North: Rated X (Not a post for young children.)

I was shocked and appalled! Really, I had higher expectations for Northern Heartland, USA - a place where you can get your camo-coloUred rifle at Walmart for $45.

Our family went on an annual family vacation to the northern border of the United States for a week. Bored of huntin’ and fishin’ and tannin' on the dock, I decided to find some local culture and bask in the glow of what I could only expect to be the finest of America. My trip to a Boulder Laundromat had surprised me with some wonderful folk-art in the form of wall-graffiti. So I knew exactly where I would go to find what I was looking for.

Upstate New York does something clever: they combine Laundromat with Dry Cleaner with Art Gallery with Tailor. But imagine my surprise and shock when I saw what they deem acceptable:

Now you might be asking the same question I was asking at the time: Where does the good taste draw a line? Not only does this painting show a man with a penis for a nose, but he is also looking down his too-big pants at his own penis! And that penis seems to be bulging out (see the ripple in the zipper area!?!?).

The presence of a needle at the bottom right of the illustration alludes to some sort of S&M technique, as does the oversized spool of thread.

Now to make matters worse, if you are a literate art gallery/Laundromat visitor (and you will be relieved to know that not everyone in these parts is!), you will see the not-subtle references to pants-dropping in the captions to the drawing.

Each line of the caption is more offensive than the last. “Don’t drop your pants.”!!! I should hope not! Not in a public art space! “Just take them in…” The ellipsis at the end of that sentence lets you know that they’re not just giving some sensible darning instructions. The caption concludes with “To us!” – like a clever punch line.

The artist signed this poster. As a tax-paying citizen, I urge you to contact this foolhardy pervert of a painter immediately. Gross.

Friday, 22 August 2008

Look no further!

Boulder has been good to this blog – an endless source of inspiration, motivation, and meaningfulness. I truly appreciate the way Boulder’s residents constantly throw their sophisticated answers to life’s deep questions out into the open – be it with bumper stickers, drum circles, tie-dyed message Ts, flyers, or bathroom wall graffiti.

My last question – “How do we introduce white people’s children to this path of Profundity as explained by pithy sentences on T-shirts?” – was finally answered when I passed by a shop on Pearl Street. In addition to your requisite “christian & celtic traditions” stuff and your oft-needed “inspirational card sets,” this store provides its patrons with “children’s spirituality”.

I am relieved.

Monday, 18 August 2008

Philosophy Lessons & Inspirations About Meaningfulness

Sometimes in life, it’s hard to know how to think or feel without someone to guide us. This is why we rely on such pithy, platitudinous works as “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”, “Marley & Me”, and “Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose”. Works like these have inspired millions, cleared away confusion, and illuminated the dark corners of the heart. I get teary just thinking about these books and the way they’ve touched me and all the members of my “Women’s, No-Men-Allowed, Sisterhood Bookclub”.

I’ve decided to write an inspirational book of my own because I know I like to touch lots of people. What was my inspiration? My inspiration was something I found in a public restroom in Boulder while sitting on the toilet and pooping. I looked up, and there, right in front of my eyes, were two jewels of wisdom that cut right to the heart of what I feel and believe:I really appreciated how the “Creativity: the key to creation” author also drew a heart near the message. This really spoke to me. It reminded me of love and circulation. I also liked how the author used a colon correctly and even underlined “Creativity” for added emphasis!

The second author omitted punctuation, you can see, but also kept his messages short and pithy. I think things that are shorter are usually more profound because you can either tattoo them on you or remember them when you’re signing someone’s yearbook or autographing their copy of your latest inspirational book (see? I’m already planning ahead!). “Take Care” and “have faith” are so true! I think so!

Thank you, dear wall-defacers, for bringing such a little joy and inspiration to my life at the most (most) unexpected of times!

Something to take a bite out of – finally!

I’ve been in Colorado – the hippie part, not the Bible part – for two months now and all I can find to eat is daal and bean curd. The land of bumper-sticker shops and guitar-buskers on every street corner is devoid of many of life’s essentials: fried food, fast food, people of color, chain stores, rap music, and so forth.

Imagine my joy and surprise, upon returning to Boulder from my Buddhist retreat, when I came upon this packaged, tried-and-true, American food in a vending machine at the Laundromat!

“Nascar Beef & Cheese” is the perfect snack for the American doing his laundry, riding in his racecar, sharpening his knife, or polishing his Remington. I sunk my teeth in pretty darn fast.

Saturday, 5 July 2008

Weird modern poetry.

So Boulder is really such a fantastic place – filled with solar panels, fountains, parks, bums playing mandolins, and lots and lots of art installations.

I was walking down 14th street in downtown Boulder and came across the following installation. It was located in front of a church-like building – obviously an ironic wink-wink-nudge-nudge reference to traditional Americana. Then in front of the church-like structure was this stone sculpture with a weird and obscure poem, loosely signed by a man calling himself “Jer.1.5”. Maybe a post-postmodern sigh about the collision of man and computer?

The 11-syllable, two line work reminded me of e.e. cummings' works in its simplicity and its lack of proper punctuation. You'll notice that even the second-quotation mark at the end of the poem is facing the wrong way, oddly enough.

The artist demonstrates his etching skills with the engraved pair of hands holding a little baby in them. This portion of the work gives a softness, a tenderness, a gentleness to the harsh cuts of the stone and rigid carvings of the Arial font, specially chosen for the piece's text.

Just behind the marble sculpture was another nod at religious Americana – a “notice board” for the “church”’s services including one “misa” in “espagñol”. I thought that this was the critical punch that really added a scary realism to the piece.

I laud the artist for his or her bravery in depicting outdated and overly-simplistic American moral messagery, but question his or her insistence on such realism as it lacks a certain level of irony. This piece’s lack of irony made me somewhat queasy because, for a second, I believed that it was real.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

The most subtle and nuanced way to communicate your political and social views.

I’m still here in Boulder, Colorado. I have learned a lot. Especially from all the bumper stickers! I found the mecca of bumper stickers in an underground bookstore located across the street from Ben & Jerry's and near the "Outdoor Divas" outdoor gear shop for older women.

Of course I asked permission to photograph the bumper sticker collection. As I was taking the picture, the woman behind the counter (a self-proclaimed “volunteer activist and community member”) must have noticed my confusion and admiration of her store’s wondrous goods. She asked me, “Which of these moves you the most?”

“Wha’?” I replied, thinking “doesn’t she realize that I’m infiltrating as the writer of an ironical blog intending to make fun of her wares in an attempt to self-aggrandize?”

“Which one strikes you?”

At a loss for words, I pointed to the one saying, “Outrageous Older Woman” in purple wavy letters (see the second picture). Can you even begin to imagine the occupant of the car slathered with that message? My friend here in Boulder has a box of “Women’s Moon-Cycle” tea. I would imagine that the owner of this tea might also own the “Outrageous Older Woman” sticker.