Monday, 29 December 2008

Alex encounters very dangerous local animals.

Because Hawaii is so far away from the United States, it has lots of birds and trees and skin colors and fish that you wouldn't recognize. Well, one of these crazy species has really put itself on the "It Should Be Endangered"-List. I can't quite identify it, but please see what you think:
I was at the hotel with my family one morning, minding my own business with a Mai Tai, and I saw this bird. Thinking it too would like a piece of my waffle-fry, I went over to the edge of the pool and handed it to him. He courteously accepted the piece from my hand.

Pleased with my interaction with local Hawaiian fauna, I sat down to admire him some more. He thought, apparently, that I owed him more waffle fries! He pecked at my arm a few times and then took a shot at my butt!

Although I shouldn't complain--this was all the action I got while in Hawaii--I really do think that this weird, exotic local species should never relocate to the United States of America if he knows what's good for him.

Sunday, 28 December 2008

Attention Obama: Hawaii is the gayest state ever.

I bet Obama is getting a pretty strong message while he spends time with his family here in Hawaii, the gayest state in the universe.
It must be pretty embarrassing for Obama, if his experience here is anything like mine, when he opens his door or his curtains and sees a rainbow. I personally saw sixteen yesterday during my time driving around the island.

But at least when I see a rainbow, I am not forced to think, "Gee, gay people must be really upset at me right now, even though they mostly voted for me." I just think, "Gay people".

Even all the cars on the road are tsk-tsking Obama as he drives to the golf course or nearest gym for his 30 minutes of cardio or weights. They are saying to him, "Gee, gay people must not be pleased with my selection of Rick Warren as the Bible-thumper for my inauguration." When I see Hawaiian license plates, I just think, "Aloha, gay people!"

Friday, 26 December 2008

COMPLAINT: Extreme adventure sports discrimminate against the visually impaired.

Yesterday I was subjected to activities that I normally avoid: extreme activities. Well maybe you don't consider "ATV-ing" and "jumping down waterfalls" and "going into caves" to be extreme, but if you add on "wearing glasses while..." to the beginning of those activities, then you will see that they are very extreme.

When I was 8, I was prescribed my first pair of glasses. I chose a pair that were large, plastic, and faded from blue to pink. I liked them because they had both blue AND pink in them!
Now I'm in Hawaii and in order to keep up with the crowd, I'm being forced to participate in activities that jeopardize my health, my dignity (what if my swimsuit comes off?), and my vision. I had to slide down a waterfall in order to get down from a perch that I had climbed up to. There was no other way out of it unless I wanted to fall down an extremely steep hill covered in lava rocks and slippery moss in my bare feet.

The dilemma was: do I hold my glasses in my hand as I slide down? Or do I wear them and try to keep my head out of the water when I get to the pooled-water below? Before I could make up my mind, my body lunged forward and the decision was made for me. Fortunately, I managed to keep my glasses on my face, but I didn't enjoy one minute of the waterfall jump because I spent the whole time holding my glasses and thinking about a life with no vision.

What are some good activities in tropical islands for people like me? I'll tell you: reading books in preparation for your upcoming semester with two 19th century-novel classes, taking showers with your glasses carefully stowed on the sink in a case nearby, watching movies in your hotel room, and typing a blog.

Americans with foot fungus shouldn't wear sandals.

Which is better...

This?Or THIS:

It's a really gross topic that no one really wants to talk about, but I want to get it out there so none of you fine readers ever can be accused of the following crime:

Wearing sandals when you have incredibly gross foot fungus.

Now I know I've probably complained in the past about the prevalent socks-with-sandals, popular with my 9th grade English teacher, all of the residents of Seattle, and Japanese geisha. I used to think this was heinous (except with the geisha) and would rail against it obsessively. But ever since I landed with my family in Hawaii, I have had a full change of heart.
PUT THOSE GODDAMN SOCKS BACK ON PEOPLE! If you have any question as to whether or not your toe is gross, and you are staying in a hotel with other people in it, please oh please wear your socks. Invest in some tea-tree oil, apply, and wait it out.

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Alex doesn't get modern art.

I am a very cultured person--I read books, I watch HBO, I voted for Obama, I like Tina Fey. So I am back in cold, wet, slushy NYC for a much needed vacation from Los Angeles (the sun, the beaches, hobnobbing with celebs) and decided to join my fellow cultural elite at the Museum of Modern Art.

Imagine my surprise and excitement when I stumbled on my new vocation: I should be a modern-art artist. Modern-art artists can do whatever they want and they get paid for it and are famous.

Example 1:
The long, orange stick. It's about an inch wide and six feet long. No, you pervert! It's a painting! It's from 1950. There must have been a canvas and paint shortage in 1950 I guess for this to count as a piece worthy of MOMA, but no matter. It's there! And I could have done it! When I was 4 years old!

Example 2: The plain white canvas. This one is a square and it must have taken the artist a while to decide whether it should be plain white or a little off-white I guess. Anyway, maybe he didn't even paint the canvas! Fuck painting if you can just sell the museum the blank canvas!

Example 3: The bricks on the floor. I learned that if you don't actually paint, and if you don't know how to sculpt, no matter! You can still be an artist. You just make what they call "installations." In this case, the artist piled some bricks on the floor. I guess the difficulty there is finding someone strong enough to carry bricks and low-class enough to know where to find them. I am not sure I could do either, so I give this artist props.

Example 4: The pink think leaning on the wall. This artist painted something a shiny pink color and didn't even bother to hang it. Who cares.Example 5: The stretched out old t-shirt. I love this one. You just get your brother's sweaty old t-shirt, cut it apart, and thumbtack it on the wall of MOMA. VoilĂ ! Art! I could do this a million times. My brother has TONS of sweaty, old t-shirts.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Just be sure to rinse it out!

It has gotten to be that point in my life where when I'm scanning Facebook.com (an online social network which everyone but Jill is on), most everyone I smoked weed with freshman year of college or didn't talk to in elementary through high school but am friends with now on Facebook has a baby or two. And they put their child's face up as their face and their status messages are updates on their babies' burps and vomits and health problems.

Given the fact that this is my current friend demographic, I just wanted everyone on the internets to know that on the Upper East Side, the following is available:I particularly like that they printed it on PINK paper. That makes sense, right?

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Be my 1000th VIEWER...

...and you'll win a prize!
But you better be quick - I'll probably be my own 1000th viewer.
If you think you are my 1000th viewer, simply post it as a comment. I will get back to you!

Graveyard mysteries...