Preparing to live in L.A.

So today I visited a Los Angeles orientation centRE I found in New York City. I heard that L.A. residents/friends like Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes (whom I sometimes still call Joey!) and John Travolta were members. In fact, they recommend the Scientology CentRE to all their friends as a prerequisite for attending their pool parties.

So at the L.A. orientation centRE, I learned about Dianetics, Elrond Hubbard, and how to hire a wife to make you look heterosexual to the media. I also learned about the best breast implant doctors, where to go to get my Posh-Spice haircuts, how to wear sunglasses indoors without worrying about not seeing anything, and where to shop for my tiny dog-collection.

(FYI: This is a real photo I took. This place is on the Upper East Side, near the Metropolitan Museum of Art!)

Upstate NY: It has solved the energy crisis!

As a proud resident of the state of New York, I am always surprised that my neighboUring state, Upstate New York, has anything to offer besides reduced-price camo-coloUred rifles and Walmarts.

Lo and behold, folks, Alextheamerican has gotten its big break, though! We are pleased to be the first to announce that someone in Upstate New York (with the help of God) has solved the energy crisis. Not only is there a new energy source that will make it so that we no longer need to rely on oil, but in discovering this source, we no longer need to rely on being friendly to non-white people to fuel our large cars!

Can you believe it?

I’d like further details about harnessing this energy, of course. Do you burn sons? With fire? Chemicals? Or do you just put them on a treadmill or energy wheel, hamster style? We’ll find out, of course. These details usually just take care of themselves.

Art galleries up North: Rated X (Not a post for young children.)

I was shocked and appalled! Really, I had higher expectations for Northern Heartland, USA - a place where you can get your camo-coloUred rifle at Walmart for $45.

Our family went on an annual family vacation to the northern border of the United States for a week. Bored of huntin’ and fishin’ and tannin' on the dock, I decided to find some local culture and bask in the glow of what I could only expect to be the finest of America. My trip to a Boulder Laundromat had surprised me with some wonderful folk-art in the form of wall-graffiti. So I knew exactly where I would go to find what I was looking for.

Upstate New York does something clever: they combine Laundromat with Dry Cleaner with Art Gallery with Tailor. But imagine my surprise and shock when I saw what they deem acceptable:

Now you might be asking the same question I was asking at the time: Where does the good taste draw a line? Not only does this painting show a man with a penis for a nose, but he is also looking down his too-big pants at his own penis! And that penis seems to be bulging out (see the ripple in the zipper area!?!?).

The presence of a needle at the bottom right of the illustration alludes to some sort of S&M technique, as does the oversized spool of thread.

Now to make matters worse, if you are a literate art gallery/Laundromat visitor (and you will be relieved to know that not everyone in these parts is!), you will see the not-subtle references to pants-dropping in the captions to the drawing.

Each line of the caption is more offensive than the last. “Don’t drop your pants.”!!! I should hope not! Not in a public art space! “Just take them in…” The ellipsis at the end of that sentence lets you know that they’re not just giving some sensible darning instructions. The caption concludes with “To us!” – like a clever punch line.

The artist signed this poster. As a tax-paying citizen, I urge you to contact this foolhardy pervert of a painter immediately. Gross.

Look no further!

Boulder has been good to this blog – an endless source of inspiration, motivation, and meaningfulness. I truly appreciate the way Boulder’s residents constantly throw their sophisticated answers to life’s deep questions out into the open – be it with bumper stickers, drum circles, tie-dyed message Ts, flyers, or bathroom wall graffiti.

My last question – “How do we introduce white people’s children to this path of Profundity as explained by pithy sentences on T-shirts?” – was finally answered when I passed by a shop on Pearl Street. In addition to your requisite “christian & celtic traditions” stuff and your oft-needed “inspirational card sets,” this store provides its patrons with “children’s spirituality”.

I am relieved.

Philosophy Lessons & Inspirations About Meaningfulness

Sometimes in life, it’s hard to know how to think or feel without someone to guide us. This is why we rely on such pithy, platitudinous works as “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”, “Marley & Me”, and “Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose”. Works like these have inspired millions, cleared away confusion, and illuminated the dark corners of the heart. I get teary just thinking about these books and the way they’ve touched me and all the members of my “Women’s, No-Men-Allowed, Sisterhood Bookclub”.

I’ve decided to write an inspirational book of my own because I know I like to touch lots of people. What was my inspiration? My inspiration was something I found in a public restroom in Boulder while sitting on the toilet and pooping. I looked up, and there, right in front of my eyes, were two jewels of wisdom that cut right to the heart of what I feel and believe:I really appreciated how the “Creativity: the key to creation” author also drew a heart near the message. This really spoke to me. It reminded me of love and circulation. I also liked how the author used a colon correctly and even underlined “Creativity” for added emphasis!

The second author omitted punctuation, you can see, but also kept his messages short and pithy. I think things that are shorter are usually more profound because you can either tattoo them on you or remember them when you’re signing someone’s yearbook or autographing their copy of your latest inspirational book (see? I’m already planning ahead!). “Take Care” and “have faith” are so true! I think so!

Thank you, dear wall-defacers, for bringing such a little joy and inspiration to my life at the most (most) unexpected of times!

Something to take a bite out of – finally!

I’ve been in Colorado – the hippie part, not the Bible part – for two months now and all I can find to eat is daal and bean curd. The land of bumper-sticker shops and guitar-buskers on every street corner is devoid of many of life’s essentials: fried food, fast food, people of color, chain stores, rap music, and so forth.

Imagine my joy and surprise, upon returning to Boulder from my Buddhist retreat, when I came upon this packaged, tried-and-true, American food in a vending machine at the Laundromat!

“Nascar Beef & Cheese” is the perfect snack for the American doing his laundry, riding in his racecar, sharpening his knife, or polishing his Remington. I sunk my teeth in pretty darn fast.