Friday, 13 November 2009

I am so proud.

Obama received the Nobel Imperialist Prize recently, much to the surprise of the hippie, commie, Muslim, bleeding heart, unwed-mothers who elected him.

I, on the other hand, am so proud that I could almost go buy a new Amer'can flag today, but I've bought them all. Venice, unfortunately, has only a limited supply and likes to reserve them for the homeless vets who like to decorate their wheelchairs with them.

Here's why: Obama accepted his Imperialist Prize on behalf of us, after all. And by "us," I mean those of us proud Americans who believe that our nebulous belief in "liberty" and "freedom" should stand in for ALL BELIEF SYSTEMS around the world. Some call it "American;" I and Obama consider them to be default. As he stated in his acceptance speech: "I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, rather as an affirmation of American leadership on behalf of aspirations held by people in all nations." That is right. American leadership represents the "aspirations" of people in ALL NATIONS. EVERYONE is secretly Amer'can. I knew it all along.

Obama, like any good conservative ahistorically-minded oppressor, also gives a shoutout to the Founding Slaveowners, stating that his prize "reflects the kind of world that those men and women and all Americans want to build, a world that gives life to the [white-man only] promise of our founding documents." In other words, again, Amer'cans are building the world. And the world hasn't been built yet. And this future world, constructed by Amer'cans, is based on the founding documents - cause they were so good. (And hopefully we bring back the 3/5 clause too.)

King (may I?) Obama also informed us that many Amer'can soldiers (see yesterday's post) sacrifice their own "safety and freedom and ... lives" so that others can benefit from our ruling powers. Obama concluded by saying:
That has always been the cause of America. That's why the world has always looked to America. And that's why I believe America will continue to lead.

I am so proud. I am an American who believes in safety and freedom, no matter how unsafe that makes others and regardless of whether or not "freedom" ever gets defined!

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Good job God.

I'd like to honor the Veterans of our country today by interspersing pictures of them with President W. Bush's Veteran's Day speech from 2004.

What veterans have given our country is beyond our power to fully repay,
yet, today we recognize our debt to their honor.
And on this national holiday, our hearts are filled with respect and gratitude
for the veterans of the United States of America. (Applause.) May God bless our veterans
and their families, and may God continue to bless our great nation. Thank you. (Applause.)"

GOOD JOB GOD!!!

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

APB to all sluggies and snailies!

Dear snailies and sluggies, who have never caused any harm to anyone except by distracting someone by being cute when they're trying to do something else,

YOU ARE IN GRAVE PERIL!
I was at my local Home/Casa Depot/Depota, which apparently happens to be in Mexico because I didn't see any Americans there, and I was shocked by the barbarous product on its shelf:
So if you are a snaily or a sluggie and you are reading this, or if you or your loved ones know and love (obviously) any sluggies or snailies, then please spread the word. America and Mexico are no longer safe for them. They/You are welcome to stay with me here, but I think the saltwater of the ocean would cause them severe shrinkage.

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Hey what are you doin' at 9 tomorrow morning?

Wanna go hang out and loiter on the Venice Beach Public Library property with me? See you there at 9! Check this out:


Unfortunately, these are still tough times here in LA for skaters, so leave the skateboard behind:
You can only get to THIS library via shopping cart or in your held-together-by-duct-tape-shoes.

I have to say, as I check out my new digs - as far West as I can go from America and still be there - I am fascinated by the neighborhood library. While it's still totally okay to go to the library to sit in the Children's Section and look creepy and mustachioed, and it's totally fine to be a non-teenager and sit in the "Teen Corner" and be so high on the drugs that you can't even get the free candy up to your mouth without dropping your head, it's NOT okay to hang out and be weird when the library is actually closed.

And while you're inside the Venice Beach library, don't forget to check out their free laptops so you can watch movies on them all day in between your loitering sessions. Don't worry! They have in-your-ear-cavity-headphones you can borrow.

Meanwhile: click here for some related government news, courtesy of everyone's favorite Austrian-American. GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

OMG Google Me!!!

When you type in the little google search box, you know how it has suggestions for the rest of your word? As in, you type the letters "fuc..." and you get "fuchosin" as a suggestion? Well I just typed in the first 13 letters of my first then last name, and GOOGLE FILLED IN THE REST!!! I feel so famous right now.

Friday, 26 June 2009

What not to do when you have your national tv debut: READ ON!

Okay well who knows if the people with their lenses on me were, you know, national media or not. But the fact remains that as I was turning up the collar on my favorite t-shirt, I had a fresh ice cream stain on it. I was a dance-dance-dance-dance-dancing machine, (watchem get down watchem get down), but I was also ill-prepared for the event (i.e. no white glove, no sporty hat) because I had left home with the intention of reading at a local coffee shop, not dance-dance-dancing at the hospital three blocks from my apartment where MJ's corpse awaits autopsy.
The media was there. People were vying for interviews, throwing their MJ-dressed kids in front of reporters (see above photo of child dancing for BET), and so on. But there was an initially small group of people collected around a boombox (for those of my fans born after 1990, that's like an ipod but bigger) showing off their moves. I did my Thriller rising-from-the dead shake, my moonwalk (that's right!), and some spins and joined the middle of the circle of people who knew all the lyrics to the best albums ever produced. I felt like I was with my people! They didn't seem to care that I was in pajama pants when I perfectly executed the three-syllable "Lone-ell-ley"of "The Way You Make-a Me Fee-heel."

In the future, though, I will recognize that every time I walk out of my apartment, there's a real possibility that I'm about to be on national news, showing off my skills and moves. So lesson learned. No more ice cream before my next national appearance. Which could be any time. So no more ice cream. Ever.

ADDENDUM: I would like to add here that I just went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I HAVE A FLECK OF COOKIES AND CREAM ICE CREAM ON MY FACE! A LITTLE OREO CRUMB ABOVE MY MOUTH! Oh how could this have happened???!!! Even Lindsey Lohan manages to avoid ice cream stains on her face!

Sad day for America.

Where were you when JFK got shot? (In a past life.) What were you doing when the towers fell? (Sleeping with my phone turned off.) And how did you find out about MJ's death? (Cellphone call from mother.)

I just have to take a minute to post about my childhood hero, my favorite musician and dancer ever, and fellow Midwestern-American, Michael Jackson. I woke up this morning thinking it would be a good day: I heard the news that Shaq signed with the Cavs! But then I was shopping at Tar-ghjay for cheap things made by children in sweatshops and got a call from my mother.

America never had it so good:

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

NYC Prep v. Gossip Girl

Well, my final paper for the school year has been turned in and I can get back to the more important things in life. Finally. Last night, after enjoying the Real Housewives of New Jersey pregnant-reunion special, I watched the new show NYC Prep. As a Gossip Girl fan, I am truly disappointed to learn that actual kids from the Upper East Side are, in reality, inarticulate and lacking in ironic self-awareness. How could GG have so decieved us? Here is a list of differences between the two shows:

1) NYC Prep kids all have better cell phones than the kids on Gossip Girl. The NYCP kids use Blackberries, exclusively, and never "text" each other. Instead, they "BBM" one another. I have never heard of the verb to "BBM" before, but it turns out that it doesn't stand for "Big Bowel Movement." It's a Blackberry-internal messaging system. The kids on GG barely have iPhones, let alone Blackberries. It's like everything about GG, technologically speaking, is about 2 years out of date. Get with the program, GG!

2) NYCP kids don't have parents. In GG, we all got to know Chuck's executive dad, Serena's mom, and Dan & Jenny's 90s rockstar dad "Rufus," but these parents are actually central to the plotlines. NYCP parents have occasional cameos: one girl's parents pop in once in a while from the Hamptons to ground her, Camille's mother asks her what community service project she wants to do in order to get into Harvard before Camille shuts her down by saying she's stressed out, and the girl who goes to an actual public school and lives on the Upper GASP! WEST Side has a DIVORCED mom who merely pipes up to ask if her daughter could possibly maybe put her Blackberry down once in a while but stops asking when she hears that her daughter is BBMing with Sebastian, the wavy-haired French-speaking Chuck wannabe.

3) GG kids are very intelligent. Maybe that's because their lines are written by extremely literate geniuses and the NYCP kids have to come up with lines on their own (like, "Sometimes I wear things that are like less than twenty-bucks" and "Which Hampton do you have a house in?" with no irony).

4) NYCP kids look younger. That's cause they are actually 16 and 17, unlike the kids in GG who are my peers.

I can't wait for more.

Monday, 22 June 2009

UPDATE: Anorexic Window-Woman Changes Clothes

Just wanted to let you know that the La Perla window-model about whom I wrote last week has changed clothes (though not positions). Someone throw her a donut!

Saturday, 20 June 2009

The headlight was out!

Before you read this post, I have to warn you yet again to ask your children, Truman High School students (hi Mr. Obes!), and dimensia-unit grandparents to go to another room. This post is RACY! Rated-N! For NIPPLE!

Ever wondered, when you're passing by those headless women in clothing store windows, how they manage to appear so... er... attracted to you all the time?

I always thought that they kept the stores just a little too cold in order to maintain the headless-store-women's... er... boobies on red-alert at all times.

BUT! Now I know the REAL trick to appearing a tit bit nipply all the time! I call it "The Scottish Solution"!!!

Notice the elaborate fold of the tape - a bit of a moebus strip of nipple! I'm glad I now have found this insiders' tip on fashion. If someone asks you, "Wow! Where'd you learn THAT perky little tip?" please be sure to credit your favorite American!

Thursday, 18 June 2009

NYC Crisis: Women not being fed during the recession!

I'm back in NYC and am very, very concerned. You would think that, after ten months in Southern California, I would be used to and even appreciative of skinny female bodies! There is a LOT of pressure to fit into your bikini, as some of my friends there can attest!

But this was too too much. Cruising down Madison Avenue the other day, I saw the true suffering borne out by the high end retailers: no longer can they feed their window white ladies!!! I see ribs! And they're not the finger lickin' good kind either!
As if it weren't bad enough that the first season of the Real Housewives of New Jersey is ending, and as if it weren't bad enough that there's an increase in dog and child homelessness because of the recession, now those poor women who stand in the windows of La Perla lingerie are forced to starve...

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Alex the "American" After All? Part I

My dear readers. I have stumbled upon some humbling news. I cannot comment on it at length right now because I'm just at a loss for words. What you are about to read might be shocking, unsettling, and hazardous to your self-identity. It has been for me. I will present the following information, but need some time to reflect before I offer my commentary on such mind-blowing information.

Please make sure your children and pets and war vets are seated as far away from the screen as possible.






Okay, are you ready?


This is NOT "America"!!! : I know! I know! Deep breath. We're not done yet. Brace yourself...




THIS is America:

Let it settle in. Comments are welcome, for I'm not sure yet how to interpret myself in light of this new information.

Monday, 25 May 2009

Memorial Day 2009

My apartment overlooks a "vet cemetery." Now I'm as supportive of vets as the next guy - although they didn't manage to save Leroy when he had renal failure a few years ago - but it really is shocking to me that they get their own cemeteries. Not only that, but today there have been all sorts of guns going off. There are helicopters overhead and cannons booming every once in a while. After the first round, my neighbor actually called the LAPD to report a shooting! No JOKE! She's right! What do veterinarians know about guns anyway? We SHOULD be scared...

Shortage of Indian People in 1984 Apparently! With an update...

UPDATE: I have just received news from Gabe that Ben Kingsley IS actually ("half") Indian! My friend's granddad played cricket with him at prep school back in the day. This means that the brown makeup isn't technically brownface at all. I DO want to state for the record, however that Alec Guinness, Dustin Hoffman, AND Anthony Hopkins were originally chosen to play Ghandi before the movie people settled on the more-appropriately-ethnic Kingsley.

But I still think it's crazy that Ben Kingsley had an iPod in 1982!

----Original Post:
I just finished watching a film called "A Passage to India" on Netflix. It came out in 1984. It basically plagiarizes To Kill a Mockingbird. Tom Robinson gets replaced by an Indian Muslim man named "Aziz". After they cast Victor Banerjee as Aziz, they must have run out of Indian people! Because the second-most important Indian is a Hindu named Professor Godbole and I guess the best they could do was get Alec Guinness. He is known for his spirituality and deepness. I guess that makes sense. . .
As we all know, India doesn't have much of a movie industry or anything. Nor does it have many people. So it makes sense that Anglophone films continued to cast old white guys in the parts of Indians back in the 1980s. Particularly when these films are about liberating Indian people from Anglo-oppression. It just makes sense!

(Sir Kingsley pictured above with his 4th wife: Brazilian waitress Kingsley.)
Ben Kingsley as Ghandi. With his iPod headphones.

This reminds me of a time of ol' yore when the film industry ran out of black people. Then they also turned to white people with makeup to compensate for this dearth.

Sunday, 24 May 2009

Obama Helps Local Pet Store through Economic Crisis!

It looks like the American President, Barak Obama, has really decided to take our economic crisis into his own hands!His message? "Forget About Politics. Support Small Business." Here's the full photograph:
That's right! Obama has taken time out of his schedule of international travel and speeches to Congress to pose with a huge lizard and turtle. I'm sure the modeling session took hours, but based on the high accuracy of the portrait, he must have held pretty still!

It's reassuring to know that no business is too insignificant, no artist is too unskilled, and no reptile is too gross to hold for our beloved president!

Friday, 22 May 2009

Who doesn't love duckies?

Ducks are pretty damn cute. Don't believe me? Look here:

This...and this...and this... (ducks are so cute that even babies try to be ducks sometimes and so do kitties! thanks Lodro for the great links!)

and even this...


That's right! Nothing is cuter than a duck. And nothing is tastier than its feet! My friends would know. They ate a bunch of them.

All I can say is that things like this make me really, REALLY, love America.

Friday, 1 May 2009

"Laws" and "Regulations" in California.

I was wandering on the pier at Venice Beach, checking out the scene (if you know what I mean!) and looking for a bite to eat. But then Johnny Law got in my way, yet again. Take a look:


Which means both this
and this
are illegal for Americans and Mexicans (note the Mexicanish)! The HORROR! I guess I'll head north to Malibu for my next bite of meat!

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Living in College-land, continued.

My dear readers. You all are writing to me, asking me what I am up to, and urging me to continue to post blog-entries. I will oblige. As an excuse, let me show you what I've been up to in the meantime:


Of course it's hard to focus on one's blog when one's local grocery store makes it so so convenient to set up for a beer-pong game. I mean, I walk in, I walk straight to the beer, and the ping pong balls and red-plastic cups are already waiting for me. Such efficient marketing means that there is little interim time--time spent wandering, contemplating, and making up my latest blog entries. Instead, I wake up at 10, get something to eat, and start over again. With beer pong, that is. Who can blame me?

Higher education has its perks. And they never made it this easy to enjoy them when I was an undergrad. THAT'S for sure!

Sunday, 12 April 2009

Thank god for the 1960s!

I swear, if the 1960s never happened, if people had never marched on the streets, if the ERA had never been passed, where would we women be? Well let me tell you: we'd be without such essentials as these:

I am certainly very glad that with our "Liberty" comes a remedy for both those doggone mood-swings and those flabby thighs. Each is available for just over a dollar less than minimum wage. God bless this country! Can I hear an amen, sisters?

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

What are all these "students" doing here at college?

It's spring break here on the West Coast--not that we need extra time to go off somewhere to remind ourselves what sunshine is because, well, we have it at all times. So the college campus is just empty of the undergraduates, their Ugg boots, and their school-emblazoned sweatpants. Yep. Just nerdball grad students wandering around aimlessly, sometimes walking to libraries with rolling-suitcases full of books, sometimes checking boxes for returned papers which were handed in days ago, occasionally checking in with the secretary of their departments to see if they have refilled the baskets on their counters with fresh candy or something.

Anyway, just a week of sunshine and relaxation--you know: printing out 300-pages of readings for next week on free school printers, buying textbooks, alphabetizing personal libraries, studying for language exams. This is why I was completely shocked by the presence of about 100 students lying on the grassy lawn in the middle of campus.

"Students." You know: thirty-year-olds who wear backpacks, don't tuck in their button-down shirts beneath their argyle sweaters, have separate, brand new bag-lettes for their laptops and have really nicely-groomed hair?

As I examined this group of people, I realized something was a little...off. No one was picking at zits (because no one had any), bags and clothes seemed a little too new to belong to people living in dorms, people were a little too attractive to be anything resembling an adolescent. No one was reading anything.

And then I saw it: a movie camera on a moving thingy. These people were NOT students. These were ACTORS!!!


So on some 2nd rate network television sitcom in the near future, there will be an episode taking place in "college." There will be "students" like those described above.

But maybe somewhere in the background, wearing large smudged actually-prescription glasses, bearing an oversized bookback filled with actual "books," with a slight rash on her forehead from stress and eating too many of the secretary's chocolates, you will see me.

I hope I'm in the credits!

Sunday, 22 March 2009

How to speak Cowboy.

You know how in some places they have bumpy letters under the American ones? Or Mexican under the American words? Well in Denver, they have Cowboy hieroglyphs. Does this mean that somewhere out there, in schools on the frontier, they still speak in cowboy?See? From this sign, I can start to piece together a dialect:

Apparently Cowboy does not have a word for "6". Cowboys can only count to 5. This makes sense.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Westwood-or "Wonderlandwood" as I like to call it...

If you have ever done the sights here in Westwood, CA (yes, THAT Westwood with the three different frozen yogurt shops in it! I know: I'm lucky like that!), then you surely have spent time in its all-famous bookstore!

Because of COURSE, as a small University-town, filled with students and their frat-brothers and sisters, Westwood would be home to a wonderful bookstore. This is what you come to expect from college-towns, right?

Not only is there a great bookstore, but they have thought to combine it with a CVS. So late at night, when you need a new hemorrhoid-donut or a new shade of lipgloss, you can also get some of your coursebook shopping out of the way.

Here are three happy English Department PhD students marveling at the diverse selection of offerings in Westwood's CVS. Dissertation ideas, anyone?
And notice, in this close-up below, how the reference, parenting, and profound-literature sections are all combined in a very avant-garde, cuturally senstive way!

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

I'm sick of typo on the internet.

Please stop confusing "your" and "you're".

DAMN! This guy is good...

I just got back from my second stake-out. No luck. This newspaper thief is good! I moved my shift up a half-hour. The custodian was friendly and didn't ask too any questions as to why I was sitting on the cement in a hallway just off the entrance to our building. In the photo below, please note my camouflage (a book and a pen to simulate "casually working on my PhD"), my cheerful sweater ("does a fierce warrior-spy wear something with gratuitous elaboration? I think not!"), and my clear view of the newspapers on the ground.
My only complaint is that this is Los Angeles, folks, and it's supposed to be warm here. Even at 7 in the morning! And it's not. I had to wear a sweater.

Monday, 9 February 2009

You have been warned, newspaperstealer!

If you are not in the habit of stealing my New York Times EVERY MORNING between 6:30 and 7:45, then please feel free to stop reading here.

If you ARE the person who steals my New York Times every morning, then here is your final warning: CUT IT THE FUCK OUT! I have had a hard enough time having to leave New York City for this god-forsaken, warm, palm-tree covered, beach-in-February place called Los Angeles. I have endured looking at fake titties in the locker room at the spa. I have suffered through dipping my toes in the mild-temperatured Pacific Ocean at least once a month. I have been force-fed delicious Mexican food and seen B-rate celebrities at C-rate bars. It's hard enough to make this transition WITHOUT having my New York Times stolen every morning!

But then you go on and take my paper every morning. Not only that, you are clearly a disciplined person who gets up at the break of dawn, such is your commitment to taking my paper.

Are you in medical school? If so, I hope YOU are not wielding a knife anywhere me whatwith your loose consideration of ethics and your paltry moral code.

Are you in law school? This seems more likely, and I would recommend this guy as your client:
I know for sure you're not in a PhD program. You obviously get up before 10AM.

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Religious Truth found in New York

I have been hiding from sin for a long, long time. I just simply hide from it. And this helps me to fit into society better.

When it occurs to me to stick my foot out when someone walks by, I simply fall into fetal position on the ground, gnaw on my knuckles, and pretend to be a rock. Sometimes I have the idea of spitting into someone's salad bowl when they are not looking, but I put my napkin over my head instead. When it would be SO so easy for me to fart into a cupped hand and then stick the hand in my brother's face, I go into a corner and stand there for a few minutes and sing the alphabet.

In these ways, I simply manage to hide from sin and people gaze at me with real wonder. I know they're thinking, "Wow, I am so amazed by how Alex simply can hide from sin like that!" As if they too had wanted to pull the cane away from the old person, they marvel while I fling myself into the nearby bushes or stick my hands as far into my armpits as possible and squeeze.

So you can understand my shock and horror when I came upon this on the side of a building in Manhattan in early January:

HOW DID THEY KNOW???

Does this mean that despite my greatest acts of self-restraint, one day I will not be able to control my urges? Does this mean that it is inevitable that I will start knocking down kids' ice cream cones and peeing on dogs tied to trees outside drugstores and restaurants? I guess so!

Well, you will be able to find me when that day comes. Just follow the path of overturned wheelchairs.

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

I have been LOOKING FOR THIS for weeks...

Millions of my readers constantly email me all day asking me, "Where, oh where, can I just get a hold of a finger-painting artist of pets?"

Well, true to form, I have found the answer to your questions: