When it occurs to me to stick my foot out when someone walks by, I simply fall into fetal position on the ground, gnaw on my knuckles, and pretend to be a rock. Sometimes I have the idea of spitting into someone's salad bowl when they are not looking, but I put my napkin over my head instead. When it would be SO so easy for me to fart into a cupped hand and then stick the hand in my brother's face, I go into a corner and stand there for a few minutes and sing the alphabet.
In these ways, I simply manage to hide from sin and people gaze at me with real wonder. I know they're thinking, "Wow, I am so amazed by how Alex simply can hide from sin like that!" As if they too had wanted to pull the cane away from the old person, they marvel while I fling myself into the nearby bushes or stick my hands as far into my armpits as possible and squeeze.
So you can understand my shock and horror when I came upon this on the side of a building in Manhattan in early January:
HOW DID THEY KNOW???
Does this mean that despite my greatest acts of self-restraint, one day I will not be able to control my urges? Does this mean that it is inevitable that I will start knocking down kids' ice cream cones and peeing on dogs tied to trees outside drugstores and restaurants? I guess so!
Well, you will be able to find me when that day comes. Just follow the path of overturned wheelchairs.
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