Friday, 26 June 2009

What not to do when you have your national tv debut: READ ON!

Okay well who knows if the people with their lenses on me were, you know, national media or not. But the fact remains that as I was turning up the collar on my favorite t-shirt, I had a fresh ice cream stain on it. I was a dance-dance-dance-dance-dancing machine, (watchem get down watchem get down), but I was also ill-prepared for the event (i.e. no white glove, no sporty hat) because I had left home with the intention of reading at a local coffee shop, not dance-dance-dancing at the hospital three blocks from my apartment where MJ's corpse awaits autopsy.
The media was there. People were vying for interviews, throwing their MJ-dressed kids in front of reporters (see above photo of child dancing for BET), and so on. But there was an initially small group of people collected around a boombox (for those of my fans born after 1990, that's like an ipod but bigger) showing off their moves. I did my Thriller rising-from-the dead shake, my moonwalk (that's right!), and some spins and joined the middle of the circle of people who knew all the lyrics to the best albums ever produced. I felt like I was with my people! They didn't seem to care that I was in pajama pants when I perfectly executed the three-syllable "Lone-ell-ley"of "The Way You Make-a Me Fee-heel."

In the future, though, I will recognize that every time I walk out of my apartment, there's a real possibility that I'm about to be on national news, showing off my skills and moves. So lesson learned. No more ice cream before my next national appearance. Which could be any time. So no more ice cream. Ever.

ADDENDUM: I would like to add here that I just went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I HAVE A FLECK OF COOKIES AND CREAM ICE CREAM ON MY FACE! A LITTLE OREO CRUMB ABOVE MY MOUTH! Oh how could this have happened???!!! Even Lindsey Lohan manages to avoid ice cream stains on her face!

Sad day for America.

Where were you when JFK got shot? (In a past life.) What were you doing when the towers fell? (Sleeping with my phone turned off.) And how did you find out about MJ's death? (Cellphone call from mother.)

I just have to take a minute to post about my childhood hero, my favorite musician and dancer ever, and fellow Midwestern-American, Michael Jackson. I woke up this morning thinking it would be a good day: I heard the news that Shaq signed with the Cavs! But then I was shopping at Tar-ghjay for cheap things made by children in sweatshops and got a call from my mother.

America never had it so good:

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

NYC Prep v. Gossip Girl

Well, my final paper for the school year has been turned in and I can get back to the more important things in life. Finally. Last night, after enjoying the Real Housewives of New Jersey pregnant-reunion special, I watched the new show NYC Prep. As a Gossip Girl fan, I am truly disappointed to learn that actual kids from the Upper East Side are, in reality, inarticulate and lacking in ironic self-awareness. How could GG have so decieved us? Here is a list of differences between the two shows:

1) NYC Prep kids all have better cell phones than the kids on Gossip Girl. The NYCP kids use Blackberries, exclusively, and never "text" each other. Instead, they "BBM" one another. I have never heard of the verb to "BBM" before, but it turns out that it doesn't stand for "Big Bowel Movement." It's a Blackberry-internal messaging system. The kids on GG barely have iPhones, let alone Blackberries. It's like everything about GG, technologically speaking, is about 2 years out of date. Get with the program, GG!

2) NYCP kids don't have parents. In GG, we all got to know Chuck's executive dad, Serena's mom, and Dan & Jenny's 90s rockstar dad "Rufus," but these parents are actually central to the plotlines. NYCP parents have occasional cameos: one girl's parents pop in once in a while from the Hamptons to ground her, Camille's mother asks her what community service project she wants to do in order to get into Harvard before Camille shuts her down by saying she's stressed out, and the girl who goes to an actual public school and lives on the Upper GASP! WEST Side has a DIVORCED mom who merely pipes up to ask if her daughter could possibly maybe put her Blackberry down once in a while but stops asking when she hears that her daughter is BBMing with Sebastian, the wavy-haired French-speaking Chuck wannabe.

3) GG kids are very intelligent. Maybe that's because their lines are written by extremely literate geniuses and the NYCP kids have to come up with lines on their own (like, "Sometimes I wear things that are like less than twenty-bucks" and "Which Hampton do you have a house in?" with no irony).

4) NYCP kids look younger. That's cause they are actually 16 and 17, unlike the kids in GG who are my peers.

I can't wait for more.

Monday, 22 June 2009

UPDATE: Anorexic Window-Woman Changes Clothes

Just wanted to let you know that the La Perla window-model about whom I wrote last week has changed clothes (though not positions). Someone throw her a donut!

Saturday, 20 June 2009

The headlight was out!

Before you read this post, I have to warn you yet again to ask your children, Truman High School students (hi Mr. Obes!), and dimensia-unit grandparents to go to another room. This post is RACY! Rated-N! For NIPPLE!

Ever wondered, when you're passing by those headless women in clothing store windows, how they manage to appear so... er... attracted to you all the time?

I always thought that they kept the stores just a little too cold in order to maintain the headless-store-women's... er... boobies on red-alert at all times.

BUT! Now I know the REAL trick to appearing a tit bit nipply all the time! I call it "The Scottish Solution"!!!

Notice the elaborate fold of the tape - a bit of a moebus strip of nipple! I'm glad I now have found this insiders' tip on fashion. If someone asks you, "Wow! Where'd you learn THAT perky little tip?" please be sure to credit your favorite American!

Thursday, 18 June 2009

NYC Crisis: Women not being fed during the recession!

I'm back in NYC and am very, very concerned. You would think that, after ten months in Southern California, I would be used to and even appreciative of skinny female bodies! There is a LOT of pressure to fit into your bikini, as some of my friends there can attest!

But this was too too much. Cruising down Madison Avenue the other day, I saw the true suffering borne out by the high end retailers: no longer can they feed their window white ladies!!! I see ribs! And they're not the finger lickin' good kind either!
As if it weren't bad enough that the first season of the Real Housewives of New Jersey is ending, and as if it weren't bad enough that there's an increase in dog and child homelessness because of the recession, now those poor women who stand in the windows of La Perla lingerie are forced to starve...

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Alex the "American" After All? Part I

My dear readers. I have stumbled upon some humbling news. I cannot comment on it at length right now because I'm just at a loss for words. What you are about to read might be shocking, unsettling, and hazardous to your self-identity. It has been for me. I will present the following information, but need some time to reflect before I offer my commentary on such mind-blowing information.

Please make sure your children and pets and war vets are seated as far away from the screen as possible.






Okay, are you ready?


This is NOT "America"!!! : I know! I know! Deep breath. We're not done yet. Brace yourself...




THIS is America:

Let it settle in. Comments are welcome, for I'm not sure yet how to interpret myself in light of this new information.