Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Road Trip to America

I'm leaving the land of California soon and heading to America. That's right - the land of the free, home of the Braves (a totally inoffensive team-name; don't even get me started). Glad to watch the Hollyweirdo skyline recede behind me like my father's hairline and looking forward to hearing the ka-ching of the slot machines and the whirrrr of hooker nipple-tassles in Nevada.

Where will I go when I'm in America this time? I'm thinking hard about visiting the "Atomic Testing Museum" which includes the famous and not-tacky 9/11 Display.

Or maybe I'll RE-visit, yes RE-visit, Area 51 where I once spent the night in a trailer at "The Little A"Le"Inn." After all, since I last visited, they had a 2009 sighting according to Google.

According to Nevada's own MUFON site, Nevada has "one of the highest concentration of sightings in the US." Wow! I'm totally willing to believe a site that titles itself "Ufo's in Nevada." Great use of the apostrophe, guys! I hope your scientific skills are as good as your punctuational ones - surely they must be to be able to dispute the fact that most (all) astronomical evidence is against you!

Well on that note, I think I will bring a great camera with me on my trip and hope to spot some weird lights in the sky on my own. Bon voyage to me!

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Dispatches from Kansas...

Ahh Kansas... Though it looks like we aren't there anymore, I like to remember it as a place where Gene Kelley helped defend our monkey-heritage. Well, folks, Kansas is at it again: it's the new battleground of American values. And that's as it should be.

Sometimes news stories come along that alert us to the presence of grammatically-challenged fellow citizens who make us just so proud to be American all over again! Especially groups like the Army of God - an organization that apparently has close ties to the abortion-doctor-killer Scott Roeder. On their site, they call abortion-doctor-killers "American Heros." I particularly like the part of their page - the "Scott Roeder American Hero Index Page." - where they list his accomplishments, including a link to the following masterpiece he drew in which two people stand over the slain abortion doctor's grave and one-the looming not-creepy-at-all man-vows to "protect precious babies." I like his attention to detail here. The shading on the bottom of the tree, the man's combover, the woman's ankle-bones...
The "Army of God" website also offers us a link to an email address (glory2jesus@armyofgod.com - damn! I wanted that one!) where you can send letters to Roeder that they will then print out and show him! Wow! Fan mail!

If you want to read more about the court case, I suggest googling it or clicking here. It seems like the judge might be on the army's side! In any case, all I would do would be to refer them to the following image below. It's an actual photograph of Moses with the Commandment tablets:
Fortunately, none of these self-appointed God-soldiers, and no one involved with this Roeder fellow actually read Greek or whatever garbledy gook is on those tablets. Good thing! Or they just might have to change their arguments a bit!

Friday, 1 January 2010

2010: Another great decade begins for America!

If you want to start your new year right, ditch the ol' Resolution list and head straight to the theaters to see Avatar. Immediately. (If you haven't already.)

Here are 5 reasons why you, as an American, will be proud of this film:

1. It was made by an American. A GREAT American. One who realizes the important role Americans play in world-domination. (See minute 2:56).
2. Americans discover yet another land! That's right! It's a planet this time, and it gets named "Pandora." It's filled with long-haired, less-clad natives with agile bodies and different-colored skins (see movie still below). They conveniently already speak English in funny accents, just like real non-Americans do! They speak in secret code (aka non-English) when they don't want the Americans to understand. (Apparently they haven't heard about sub-titles yet!)


3. An AMERICAN marine - well, half a marine really, that is until he can fulfill his mission and get his legs back from the sarge' like promised - is sent into the bush to find out inside information so that the Americans can better exploit native resources. He is given an "Avatar" via MRI-coffin machine. His avatar has legs and therefore is able to actually do things (unlike the Marine himself apparently).
4. Said AMERICAN's covert intel was so good that it means the natives and their ancestral homes will definitely be terminated! Because their natural resources are worth genocide!
5. So THUS, the AMERICAN is the natives' LAST HOPE!!! You might call it ironic, I call it "perfect." Only the American can repair the damage he himself caused! Just like in real life! And then he can congratulate himself on a job well-ish done!


LOVE IT ALREADY? ME TOO! I hope it wins every Oscar, just like Titanic did. Cause we all remember how great THAT movie was, right?